When Going Home is Harder than Being Away

With many schools gearing up for term break, the prospect of holidays at ‘home’ can be daunting. Many expat families live with a foot in both camps – a sense of where ‘home’ is and the daily reality of being in a new place and making that home, too.

Often there are old friends, family expectations, in laws, and legal, financial, or bureaucratic matters to deal with. The routine is disrupted, kids are suddenly ‘from away’, our home helpers are on their own holidays. People at home don’t understand what expat life is like, or make assumptions that don’t fit. Living with palm trees all around doesn’t automatically make life a holiday!

As well, there may be underlying conversations or questions – the most common one being: ‘when are you coming home?’

Hard to answer, that one. One that families wrestle with in their own way, in conversations with employers, with peers, with community. Going ‘home for the holidays’ can intensify the sense of distance and disconnection, as delightful as it is to see familiar sights, eat familiar food, get reconnected with extended family.

For some, the shock of returning, after being ‘home’, can be cause for deeper distress. The highs are higher and the lows are lower – everything is in technicolour. Very often the second round of adjustment precipitates some depression, homesickness, another version of culture shock.

When depression, anxiety, over stress, or adjustment concerns are impacting your life in negative ways, it can help to prepare some strategies and supports for both the return home and the return back. Families might consider creating rituals that carry over and aren’t place dependent (such as sharing something they’re grateful for before eating supper), or creating photo albums or movies of both ‘homes’. Letters, recordings, and video messages to grandparents, friends, or other important people can help to process feelings of longing for connection and familiarity. Hearing stories about how it was the same or different than last time (or when a parent was young) can create perspective about accepting change. When thoughts or statements come up like ‘everything is better over there!’ ‘I can’t wait to go home, I’m so tired of ______’, having a gentle conversation that unpacks these notions can help with accepting the full range of benefits of translocation.

Conversely, actively accepting that things might actually be hard, change is difficult, and readjustment will stir up big feelings will help those feelings integrate.

Sometimes professional support is called for. School counsellors and private counsellors are valuable resources, providing a safe space to process and deal, develop strategic solutions, or just have a place to intentionally explore the processes of big change.

Wherever home is, it’s normal to have mixed feelings about change. As you travel home for the holidays, maintaining self care, family rituals, and lowering expectations will help everyone to enjoy both the arrivals and the departures.

Erica is a counsellor and social worker, with a private practice in Bangkok and online. She specialises in working with adolescents and preteens, and has significant experience supporting people in recovery from addiction.

It’s her belief that everyone deserves to be heard and seen, in order to integrate growth and facilitate positive change. She works with evidence based practices such as CBT, bodily-inquiry and mindfulness, and various tools from the wisdom traditions of the world. She can be found @dolsencounsel, or at www.dolsencounsellingservices.com.